“Terrible Twos.” “Threenager.” “Fournado.” The toddler and preschool years are a notoriously difficult time for parents. At this age, frequent tantrums, stubbornness and poor impulse control can turn even simple, everyday tasks into a struggle. Fortunately, using a positive parenting approach can help alleviate many of these battles. Here are some tips to get you started on your positive parenting journey. Before long you’ll understand why some call these the “magic years” of curiosity, imagination, and remarkable growth.
- Connect with your child daily. Maintaining a positive bond with your child is the foundation of positive parenting at any age. Children are more willing to cooperate and comply when they feel connected to their parents. The best way to build this positive connection is to take time to play with your child for at least ten to fifteen minutes each day. So turn off the screens and let your child lead you in play for a few minutes. You’ll get to know your child’s inner world and will be laying the foundation for a positive relationship throughout childhood, adolescence and beyond.
- Meet tantrums with empathy rather than punishment. Contrary to popular opinion, kids of this age don’t have tantrums to manipulate their parents. In reality, toddlers don’t have the language or regulation skills needed to manage life’s frustrations. They need support from adults to regulate and make sense of their intense emotions. Ignoring tantrums may reduce their frequency, but it won’t teach kids the tools they need to manage their big emotions in a healthy way. The next time your child has a tantrum, do your best to stay calm because this will be soothing to your child. If you are in public or have an audience, take them away to a private place like the car or another room. Empathize with them and label their feelings so they can build the vocabulary needed to talk about their emotions. Be firm with your limits, but let them know you understand their feelings and frustrations. This will be incredibly reassuring to your child and will help make their big emotions seem less scary and overwhelming.
- Have firm, clear limits. Children thrive on structure, routine and clear limits. The world can seem like a big and scary place to toddlers, so they need limits and routines to feel safe and make sense of the world. If you tend to waffle or give in when your toddler protests, then you’re likely to see more misbehavior and boundary pushing. They are trying to figure out where the boundary actually is so that they can regain a sense of safety.
- Limit your use of the word “no.” The more you say no to your child, the more likely you are to hear “no” in response to your requests. “Later” or “another time” are much more palatable for toddlers, and will make transitions away from fun activities much easier.
- 5. Provide choices whenever possible. The developmental task at this age is developing autonomy and initiative, so children are hungry for some independence and control over their world. Providing them with some control in the form of choices will help eliminate some power struggles. Just be sure you are happy with all the options you provide!
- When you meet resistance, be silly. It is amazing how a playful attitude can melt away resistance at this age. This is one of my favorite tips because it works so well and makes parenting a lot more fun. Try putting pajamas on the wrong body parts, or brushing eyebrows and earlobes instead of teeth. Have a bunny hop or soaring eagle race to the car so you can buckle them into their spaceship. Make up silly songs about mundane tasks. Get creative and let the giggles begin.
- When in doubt, go back to basics. Oftentimes toddler moodiness is simply a case of a “hangry” or “tangry” child. Try mid-morning or mid-afternoon healthy snacks if you don’t already. Make sure they are getting about 12 hours of sleep in total. Once kids drop their afternoon nap they may need an earlier bedtime (around 7pm) to make sure they get enough sleep. Be sure they get time for outdoor gross motor activity every day as this will improve appetite, sleep and overall mood.
For additional reading:
Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting by Dr. Laura Markham or her website AhaParenting.com
How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life With Children Ages 2-7 by Joanna Faber and Julie King
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame by Janet Lansbury or her podcast Unruffled Cooperative and Connected: Helping Children Flourish Without Punishments or Rewards by Aletha Solter.
About the Author: Gail Poust, AMFT uses these tips daily as the mother of two toddlers. At Wellspring, Gail uses warmth, acceptance, authenticity, and a calm presence to connect with children, teens, and families. She focuses on a client’s strengths and positive “sparkling” moments to inspire hope and develop a positive vision for the future. Gail is available to assist parents wanting to learn more about a positive parenting approach.